Ideas de Locura, sueños y pensamientos

Do Not Bring Us To Tita Tess…

2011-04-22T07:26:00.000-07:00

I grew up knowing that I had a Tita (Filipino for “Aunt”) Tess who I saw once a month after every trip abroad as a Flight Attendant. She always stood tall, beautiful and admittedly, scary to the kids who didn’t know her because she always had her chin up with one hand holding on to her cigarette in a very “taray” way. Because of this, I thought the prayer was “Do not bring us to tita tess but deliver us from evil. Amen. “ I just remembered this memory last night as the family, with Tita Tess, went to seven churches to say all the mysteries of the Rosary as it was our Maundy Thursday tradition.

I was happy that my 7 nieces were all there to join us and be part of the tradition. We also lighted candles to say a prayer at the Sto. Nino church. For every church we visited, I took a picture and tagged my lil’ sis Leigh on facebook so she and her family will know that we were always thinking of them in our prayers and in our Visita Iglesia.

When I was small, our family would go to Cebu for a quick summer vacation to visit our grandma and relatives. Our summer trip to Cebu would usually fall on the holy week as it’s the only time my dad didn’t have work because all the banks and businesses were closed during the holidays and all of us kids didn’t have classes. Thus, we had the privilege of joining in the long processions and in participating in the traditional Holy Week activities. I would remember our grandma Carmen telling us "bawal mag katwa ....bawal mag sayaw ... bawal mag lingaw-lingaw kay namatay ang Ginoo." She was very strict in having us follow the holy week traditions and respect the sacredness and meaning of the occasion.

Holy week is always filled with memories for me of being with the family. Either we had a road trip or stay home and watch all the old movies that were about the men and women of the bible or try to do all the traditions that most Catholics would follow during these holidays. One funny memory is when we visited the “Santo Entierro” to see, pay our respects and kiss the statue of Jesus lying in his tomb (which is designed and constructed by the parish priests in our parish). My dad got inside the “tomb” first and was followed by my mom. As mom was about to kiss the forehead of Jesus, she almost panicked as she thought that the statue of Jesus was performing a miracle as the head was “lifted” up as if it was going to stand up. She only calmed down when she saw that the statue moved because dad was kissing the “feet” at the same time and his weight pushed up the statue.

Now that I’m all grown up, I am ashamed to say that I never got to do most of the holy week traditions this year as I stayed at home to rest. I did take time to reflect and be thankful for our life and our loved ones and most especially for our Savior who I know will always be there for me despite how sinful I am. I may not lead the perfect Christian life as most would expect, but I try my best, most especially in loving God and in loving my fellow men. Like most Christians, there will always be persecution and people judging me. Those will always be around, all I know is that I have faith and that I will just live life the best way I can and love and help my neighbours the best way I could.

Have a blessed holy week everyone.

Disederata

2010-02-12T05:03:00.000-08:00

My sister introduced "Disederata" to me. It's a great literature and source of lessons to live by. I hope you find this useful and that you gain something out of it as I have and will continue to do so.

Disederata
Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, 1952.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

attention all Havaianaticos - it's make your own havaianas time!!!

2009-10-06T23:40:00.000-07:00

All ye Havaianas fans ... Cagayan de Oro is going to have another MYOH even! Be at Limketkai Center on October 23 to 25, 2009 to make your own favorite pair of flipflops!

Havaianas Philippines exclusive designs are out. Get yours now!

When Will You Die?

2009-03-31T22:28:00.000-07:00

People have been taking the Facebook "when will you die" quiz and the results would show when and how they will die, obviously morbid and not my cup of tea. I never wanted to know when I will die as I have this belief of planning for the future, learning from the past and living in the present. However, I have gotten myself into a situation wherein it appears that an eminent death to this special situation is prevalent and this consideration was made in respect to the other party.

Since this started, I have been trying to live life to the fullest and making the most of what life has to offer for me for this circumstance. I suppose loving so much, feeling and knowing it will probably end soon at the other party's signal is tantamount to knowing when I will die. I want to be able to show so much of my love in every waking moment and signify that I do mean it for fear that I won’t be able to show and say it anymore when that time comes because I know I will no longer have the right to do so. I keep on hoping that it will last for as long as it could but we all know we can’t dictate the heart of another person. We all know that a couple’s dance isn’t as graceful and as beautiful if both do not synchronize their steps in unison to the music.

I guess with this, I can attest to the fact that it is better to have loved someone so much, no matter how short-lived it may have been rather than be with someone for the longest time and know that love is no longer present.

Yet again, I have to say, one of life’s greatest paradoxes is loving so much and letting go. Letting go doesn’t necessarily mean you have stopped loving, it just means you have stepped aside to let the other grow, no matter how painful it may be.

In The Fell Clutch of Circumstance..

2009-02-15T01:55:00.000-08:00

Oftentimes, we find ourselves in a state where our tenacity and mettle is tested. We can either break down or step back and look at the circumstance in a better perspective to find a better way of getting over the hurts and hurdles.

Recently, I’ve had friends who underwent such a state in their lives and I’ve seen how they have weathered through the storm. I’ve seen how they could have almost succumbed to the pain but they rose above it and used the pain to fuel them to realize that there are bigger things in life and that they can get past the fiercest struggle in the most dignified way. It’s from these people around me that I draw my strength from. They have shown to me that battles are fought, we may get scathed and scarred but we can certainly triumph over any physical and emotional pain with faith and by loving the people that surround us. Battle scars are meant to be there to remind us that we have fought, might have lost or won, but we are still alive to live another day to appreciate life more with the people that we love and loves us.

I’d like to share one of my favorite poems with you, one I have learned and memorized by heart since I was young and I’d like to dedicate this to those who remind me to be strong. You know very well who you are.

Invictus
by William Ernest Henley; 1849-1903

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.

Rescuers Down Under

2009-01-19T21:30:00.000-08:00

Somehow this movie title has a new meaning for me. hehehehe. Diba D? Diba Jo? hahaha

Make Your Own Havaianas 2008 flip-flops it’s way to Cagayan de Oro City

2008-10-15T20:06:00.000-07:00

Calling out to all ye havaianaticos. One of our favorite Havaianas events is here once again! Nothing is better in this world than having something custom-made just for you. Come out with your own wacky, trendy and signature flip flops design. I attended the last MYOH event last year and definitely had a blast going through all the available materials and mixing and matching all the parts of my favorite flip flops brand.

See you on October 17-19 2008 at the Atrium Limketkai Center and have fun creating your own, personalized Havaianas flip-flops!

My baby is now an MD

2008-08-29T08:48:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhh happy happy joy joy! After years of seeing her nose stuck in a book (especially the book about anatomy and the human reproductive system hmmmm.....), my sister, Leigh, took the August 2008 Physicians board exam and passed! She was still in Cebu while we were waiting for the exam results and this is how our phone conversation went:

Honey: Hewooow Panot!

Leigh: TE!!! THE RESULTS ARE OUT!!!

Honey: Huh?!! Wait, let me open the site (hands trembling and barely hitting the right keys)

Leigh: Do you see it?

Honey: Wait! Wait! The results page server is crashing, I can't open the page!!

Leigh’s other phone rings and I can hear her talking to her friend and classmate Abigail:

Leigh: Hello Gail? Is it there? Is my name there?

Honey: (screaming) Ask for your name!!!

Leigh: Caragos? C A R A G O S?

Honey: (jumping up and down) IS YOUR NAME THERE??!! Weeeeeeee… IS IT?!! IS IT??!!

Leigh: (back to talking to me) My name’s in the list!!

Honey: Leilani?!! Is that an official list?!!!

Leigh: (calls Abigail again) Gail?? Is that really my name? Hehehehe .. Just making sure

Leigh: Te … it's really my name!

Honey: (Screaming … runs to mom and dad’s room) MAAAA!!!! PAAAAA!!!!

Honey: (hands phone to mom and calmly says) Ahem ….. Talk to the DOCTOR!

For days, I could barely sleep as we were waiting for the results to come out. On day 3 after her last exam, I was checking on the net every hour on the hour for the results. I guess, the excitement has sprung out of the fact that I have seen how hard Leigh worked to get to this point and I know how important this is for as she has been dreaming of this very moment every since she was a kid.

When we would play our usual childhood games then, she would give me those “nips” chocolates as my “pills” (ohhhh so that’s why my sugar level is high ..hmmm) and would examine each and every family member with her plastic stethoscope. Her dream of becoming doctor was further fueled after our grandma, Lola Deling, passed away and was unrelenting in wanting to really finish what she started while she was an intern at the provincial hospital. Her decision was irrevocable and the best we could do was support her every step of the way.

We all cried out of sheer happiness when we heard the news. Dad, mom, ate Minnie, kuya Kurt and I. Hey, our baby is finally a doctor. We never had doubts about her passing the board as we knew she studied for it, she had the passion and she had so much faith and trust in the Lord for guidance and peace of mind.

Yeah, that ‘lil kid who fell off her bike and chipped off her tooth, the little kid who annoyed me day and night (and up to this point annoys me) by going to my room and saying “whatcha duin?,” that little kid who played Barbie and family computer games, the little kid who recited "if God should go on Strike" and "Boa Constrictor," our youngest sibling, is now starting her life as a professional. A “doctowa” as how our 2 year old niece, Carmi, would call her. She still has a long way to go and more hurdles to tackle but as what we always say it is “one step at a time” Next step … residency. Kaya mo yan Leigh!!!! We love you and we are so happy for you!!!

I want to be complete

2008-06-28T02:55:00.000-07:00

That’s a nice advertising spiel by one multi-vitamin product here in the Philippines. Makes me think though, what can really make us think we’re complete? Who puts the imagery in our heads that if you don’t have that specific aspect in your life, you lack something? Here’s a rundown on what I have now that makes me say I’m complete:

Family

Friends

Faith

A job that I love

Good health

Laughter

Fine, I didn’t put a romantic relationship (yet) as part of the list. The “friends” part will take care of that eventually. *wink* Hihi. On a serious note, I did think that all was complete for me till one recent fateful day, I once again serendipitously found a piece in the puzzle of life that made me re-think my completeness as somehow, it feels that my day is no longer what it’s supposed to be without this one certain event to happen in my day. Too much of a mystery, you say? I’m just posting my mundane ramblings here. I’m just thankful for this new found “completeness.” I’d love to add this in my rundown above but … not just yet.

Happy Father’s Day Papa

2008-06-15T09:08:00.000-07:00

A special post for my dad, of course. I would not be here if it were not for him (obviously) and so he deserves a spot in this blog of mine. Looking back, apart from a loving father, dad was a stern disciplinarian. There were times that I would shudder and my knees would buckle when I know he’s home from work as I knew then I did something bad. It was not because of the fear of the thought of punishment (and he did yes, but now I admit, I did deserve being punished for my “crimes”), but it was the fear of knowing that he’d be disappointed at me. I know how my father worked so hard to be where he is now and I knew it was because of his self-discipline that he has become the man he wanted to be and the man he is now.

Papa’s father died during the war when he was but 4 years old, leaving him, his two sisters and mother with their relatives in the province (country) and dad would tell me stories of how they survived from that devastating war. Without a man-of-the-house, he stepped up to help the family. Stories of him walking a far distance to the well to fetch gallons of water to carry and bring home or him working in a factory just to help the family would be told from time to time. He would tell us of the time that he had to help his mom pedal the sewing machine as his mom couldn’t do so as she constantly hemorrhaged due to an ailment and he would tell us about how his sisters did their share of helping the family as well. He told us how he worked and studied at the same time up until he graduated from the University of the Visayas. Life was tough for my dad and because of that, he promised himself that he would rise above to help his family more and be a good father in the future.

And so he fulfilled his promise to himself and to his family. Papa is a very loving husband and an absolutely great dad! I have no reasons to say life is unfair as he has paved the way for us, his children, in so many ways. Growing up, I used to think of how dad was so strict on us, his children. On how we had to be home before midnight (I used to call myself Cinderella), on how he would always wake us up early and be productive, on how he would tell me when he does not approve of any of my friends, or how he would tell us about having to finish our studies….oh and I would remember how he and mom would just widen their eyes and look at us sternly whenever they wanted us to do an oratorical piece at a party or on stage (of which I am so thankful for now because I know now it was my training for my work now, to be in front of people and to talk ….. a lot). He was right and up to now, he’s still right. I can’t thank him enough for all that he has taught me. “Work hard and never step on anybody’s foot”, that’s what he would constantly tell me. Papa also taught us the value of loving your family, of being together, of making sure that Sundays are spent with the family, of helping each other in times of distress. He’s pretty much placed a standard of what a husband and father should be (hmmmm…. that’s my other excuse *wink*)

I enjoy my breakfasts with dad (of which as a teenager then, I resented so much as it felt like listening to a litany) as he still talks about his past or his visions and I would listen to him and absorb every bit of motivation and inspiration I can get from him. I also now enjoy life's little pleasures of him asking me to cut his fingernails and toenails, baking him his favorite bread on weekends or accompanying him and mom in watching a movie. It's my turn to do those for them now and I'm thankful for the opportunity given to me to do so.

With him and mom, they gave us, their children, our education (of which dad has constantly taught us that it’s something that nobody could ever take away from us and that we should not take for granted), we have always had a roof over our heads, food on our table (again ….. OBVIOUSLY) and they gave us so many wonderful experiences in life through travels, art and culture and have broadened our horizons in so many ways.

That's me at my dad's office, sitting on his chair and imagining I'd be working like him someday (wehehehehe)

Although, my dad doesn’t know I write blogs (nor do I think he even knows how to open my blog), I still want to tell the world how a great father he is so I’m saying here … HAPPY FATHER’S DAY DAD, THANK YOU AND I LOVE YOU!

From your sexiest, smartest, prettiest and coolest daughter,

Honey

PS. I have a feeling my sisters are going to get me for saying that last line …. hahahahaha…. Peace Ate Minnie … Peace Leigh …... Kuya Kurt, come to my rescue ….. heeeyulp!

Back Home

2008-06-06T00:03:00.000-07:00

GREAT AIRPORT! That was my first impression and my second thought when I got out of the plane at KLIA. My first thought was, “Where am I going to claim my baggage and how come I don’t see the other participants from the Philippines?” I got to Kuala Lumpur about 10:00 PM and took a taxi from the airport to the hotel where we were booked. I was told that I was sharing a room with someone, so I was a bit worried that I might wake her up when I got to the room. True enough, my rommie, Samanthi, woke up when I got in and so we had a quick introduction of each other and agreed that that we’d talk more in the morning.
Next day, my roomie was sweet enough to wake up ahead of time to give me enough rest (hey, 30 minutes additional sleep is still rest) and we had breakfast together and chitchatted more. We then got to meet the other participants for the workshop and exchanged calling cards and pleasantries afterwards and enjoyed the thought of meeting my adviser, Simon, for the first time after communicating over skype for several months already.

On the first day, I kept of forgetting that the traffic flow in Malaysia (keep left) is different from that of the Philippines (keep right), so you could just imagine my surprise every time I attempted to cross the street. Of course, I got used to it after the first day (as proof, I’m still alive and writing a blog this instant).

The days spent at the workshop were fun and fulfilling but since this is my personal blog, *clears throat*, I’m just going to share some of the scenes and activities I did with my new found friends:

First Night: Malaysian Street food with Samanthi, Tin, Urjana, Ongchun, Lex and Nui

Second Night: China Town

"Graduation" Day

At the World Congress on IT

With Simon

Eating Thai food. Nui ordered for us so we really got to taste yummy Thai Cuisine.

Last night in Malaysia

As you noticed, most of our pictures were taken while we were having dinner. Hehehe.

Malaysia was nice but what made it more memorable was the fact that I was able to enjoy it with my new found friends there. So, I would like to say thank you

To Samanthi, for being a great roommate and for the yummy tea that you always prepared at the end of each day.

To Nui, for making me laugh always and for showing to me what a strong and determined woman should be.

To Urjana, for those sensible conversations, laughter, giggles and for making me listen to your cute British accent all the time (hahaha).

To Lex and Tin, for being wonderful tour (and train) guides.

To my “classmates,” for your inputs and assistance.

So, I'm back home and things are back to "normal" for me at the office. Thanks to chat and facebook, I get to communicate with my new friends from time to time despite our busy schedules and other priorities. Guys, I hope and pray that soon enough, our paths will once again cross. Better yet, let’s make it a point to make our paths cross again ;)

Until then.

What constitutes a sweet mistake?

2008-04-26T22:47:00.000-07:00

People started asking me what I meant by the shoutout, “sweetest mistake” I posted a few days ago. What constitutes a sweet mistake? I know of so many who have given me enough examples o f what a sweet mistake could be and indeed, these are classic examples of going against the norm or what’s expected yet they still did what they did and something worthwhile came out of it.

It’s when ….

You left even when instinct told you that you will be reminded of it and be counted as something you can never pay for but you just had to in order to build the memories that will last a lifetime.

You decided on a career path which was totally different from what everybody expected and you knew that you’d be shunned for such a decision yet now you are happy with what you are doing.

You gave your last twenty pesos to a poor kid knowing you would have to walk going home because of that and you see that kid buying food for a younger sibling who was waiting for her.

You are holding that cute baby after the act you committed nine months ago. :P

You say words that you should have kept to yourself yet you still said it because you could not contain it anymore and those were exactly the right words to say at that moment.

You get into a relationship wherein nobody could ever understand how such a union can come to be.

You know and were told that it would go nowhere and you still continued despite the consequences of pain because you were happiest that time and the moments were worth engraving in your heart.

You know that you keep on banging your head on the wall because the situation and status is not clear and you don’t know where you are heading with all this yet you just move on never thinking that it’s time wasted but time well spent with that someone.

You let solely your heart guide you in loving someone when you mind kept on telling you to stop.

Do you have a sweet mistake? I know I have made my sweetest mistake ………. *wink*

End

Mi Equivocación Dulce

2008-04-20T11:13:00.000-07:00

Yo no tengo lamentos en mi vida. Tomo en el corazón todas las lecciones que este mundo ha dado y humano como soy, trato en mi propio capacidad de nunca hacer los mismos errores otra vez. Sin embargo, hay una error que cometería contentamente de nuevo, y eso es el error de adorar alguien yo no debo amar. Creo que podría decir, que esa alguien fue mi Equivocación dulce. Por la felicidad que me ha dado, por las sonrisas que me hizo hacer, por la placer de conocer te … tu eres mi equivocacion mas dulce. Gracias por ser parte de mi vida, aunque era por un tiempo muy corto.

The Witches Of Eastwick

2008-02-14T08:35:00.001-08:00

Today I dedicate this blog to my very dear and special friends …. Binky, Zoia, Noemi, Roro and Ting. For more than 16 years we’ve been the best of friends, helping each other grow (in spirit and character but not in height) and have helped each other keep the other’s sanity intact. Despite the fact that we are so busy with our work, we have managed to at least see each other once in a while to catch up on things.

When I went out of the airport last week, I heard a group of “elderly” ladies shrieking at the sight of their friend who took the same flight I was in. It seemed like they were a group of really close girl-friends who have spent so many years together, all excited to see a friend coming home after some time and I could not help but smile and picture out that maybe one day, we’d all be gray and wrinkled but we’ll still be as close as we are now.

Here are 30 wonderful things I remember very well with them wherein we would usually chit-chat and make fools of ourselves and laughing our heads off:

Riding the school bus from the main campus to the high school campus and vice versa.
Hanging out under the flagpole right behind Dr. Yap’s office. (Remember that patch of carabao grass we used to sit on?)
Sitting under the coconut trees at school … usually sitting on a coconut trunk
Camping and staying in one tent and screaming our lungs out because of the ghost stories we talked about.
CAT, having Noemi as our platoon leader and not being able to keep a straight face. Whatever happened to that “sparking” sword?
Playing “Scottie” (did I spell it right Stanford?) … even if we were already seniors …
Playing Seven-seven up and being “pikon” at losing wherein we “broke-up” as a barkada for about 2 minutes and became a “barkada” again in an instant. At that time, this conversation actually happened....
G: “Daya! Quit na ko sa barkada!”

N: “Ah diay?! Quit napud ko sa barkada!”

B: “Ako pud Quit!”

H: “Ako pud!”

T: “Ako pud!”

A short silence ……. Then ….

N: (looks at the group) “Wala na ko barkada …… may barkada ka? tayo nalang mag barkada”

Z: “sige … barkada tayo”

B,H &T to N and Z “sige… barkada tayo”
Hanging out at our houses. Noemi cooking her cake with chip of wood as a special ingredient …. Or cooking spaghetti at ting’s house and pouring Tabasco all over it.
Working on our science investigatory projects (smelling all those nylon stockings ….eeeew…..but we did make it to the citywide competition, didn’t we?) .. ahh that sundress Noems … who were you trying to flirt with with that? Hahahahahaha!
Limketkai skating rink. I know I WAS skating.
Piggy-back riding on our corridor at school and running away to hide from the principal who was so pissed at seeing us doing that (“This is a school! This is not a beach!”)
Me, being away from home for a year and embracing and loving each letter I got from you girls. You were writing to me how your first year in college was while I was away from home and I was missing you terribly then.
Driving the car for the first time with you girls as my passengers and we encountered a car with only one headlight on. Remember that? How we screamed?
Chatting online on my birthday and meeting ……. A group of friends who became “close” to us?
Watching wowow channel.
Going to Cebu together to have fun and get to say and hear the lines “Hey, can I buy you a drink?” and “hmmm…. Luto?!”
Sharing the saddest moments of our lives together and being there for each other.
Me bringing coke and bread at Z’s place after a conflagration hit the homes surrounding Zoia’s house.
Badminton! Playing for two straight hours for work out and then hanging out at star-mart to eat siomai, siopao and hotdogs.
Shopping
Surprise visits to my office (I really love it when you do that). Zong, who’s treat is it next time? Hahaha!
Ting getting a new car and us riding in it first on valentine’s day (diba Noems?)
Laughing about how screwed up Noemi’s anatomy is (Where’s you liver Noems?)
Opening the fridge at Binky’s place or eating pizza Binky cooked specially for us.
Noemi’s wedding
Ting’s wedding
Those most awaited lunch dates together
Dinner and hanging out at each other’s houses and calling Roro or waiting for Roro to call us from the states and recently …..
Getting together to visit Ting and seeing the first barkada-baby, Christian.

I could write sooooo many things about the wonderful years we’ve had together and I look forward to more years of wonderful memories with you girls. We’ve made it through the happiest and saddest moments of our lives and I am ever thankful for the gift of friendship that has been given to me through you. God bless you always kookiks and I will love you always.

Honey

The list goes on and on and on ….

2008-01-31T00:23:00.000-08:00

When I woke up this morning, the first words that came into my head were “be thankful.” And so I said a prayer saying “Thank you for giving me yet another day to live life and to share it with the people I love.” Before I knew it, things I should be thankful for started to pop into my head. This was my sequence of thanksgiving up to this point….

1. For my friends who wake me up in the morning with their morning greetings (and for those who really purposely wake me up just so I won’t be late for work … thank you, you know who you are .. hehehe).

2. For hearing the beautiful chirping of the birds telling me that it’s going to be a bright sunny day.

3. In brushing my teeth … geez, thank you for a perfect set of teeth. I mean, hey I’m still brushing it while it’s still in my mouth and attached to my gums and jaw and not brushing it already as a set of dentures. Hahahaha … which of course, when that time comes, I’m sure I’ll be singing the “I can’t smile without you” song while brushing it.

4. For my dad knocking on the door telling me to have breakfast because it meant I get to spend time with him over a cup of coffee and our favorite “paksiw” fish and “sinanglag” rice.

5. For my mom who constantly nags me over some matters … which means she is concerned about my well being (despite the fact that I’m already 30 years old, again thank you very much).

6. For the problem on what to wear for the day, which means I have lots of clothes to choose from.

7. For the car that I drive with a half full tank (of which I call my racing car coz it sounds like it’s been souped-up …. Ahem .. hihihi...... inside joke).

8. For the traffic light that always turns green the moment I am close to the intersection.

9. For the parking space that is always available whenever I reach my destination (parking angel, as what I call my charm).

10. For having coffee ready on my office table always ready when I get to the office (thanks miat).

11. For the warm smiles of my team-mates that greet me whenever I get in the office in the morning and hear them saying “Good morning ma’am” (it’s always mike that I see first of course as he’s the one facing the door, thanks Mike).

12. For my nieces who give me their warm hugs and kisses whenever they are the office or at home.

13. For being able to hear mass during my lunch break, which made me realize that I’m so blessed to be able to practice my religion and that I have a creator who loves me (despite my …ahem … slight misgivings).

14. For the clients who believe in our services for them and for being so supportive to us in our endeavors.

15. For clients who are not just business associates but are friends as well.

16. For the payroll that I give out every payday which means that through my efforts, I am able to provide jobs and give others the opportunity to be in a respected workplace and earn.

And as I write this blog …the list just goes on and on. So I am thankful. I can’t complain about the petty problems that come my way as they are outweighed by the many blessings in life. That’s just for today. I am looking forward to what I can be thankful for again tomorrow.

I’m 30 and I’m Living Life

2007-12-10T04:07:00.000-08:00

I’m sure you did a second glance when you read the title. How’s that for acceptance? I’m actually admitting my age! Right after I was all ready for work last Saturday, I looked into the mirror and saw that hey, nothing much has changed. I’m still me and the smile remains to be the same and I feel the same. Why all the fuss about reaching another decade? My “things to do before I’m 30” list? Scrap that (or am I merely sour-graping because I never did get to do all those?).

I feel good, in fact, I feel more liberated now that I have reached this age rather than when I was at my 20s (I can now say to my parents ... for crying out loud! I’m 30!!!!). The good thing about this is that, nobody is pressuring me to get married anymore and no one is asking me why (ask me and I’ll make sure you’ll never live to see tomorrow ... see? With age comes power too! haha). When and if I do decide to get married, then it’s sure that I’m doing it because I know it’s the right time for me and the right person, not because I was in a hurry to beat a timeline.

The night before my birthday, I got to spend it with my I-never-see-all-the-time-but-can-never-live-without friends, Zoia, Binky and Noemi and just when the clock struck midnight, friends and loved ones started calling and sending me SMS messages. Friends online greeted me as well. Thank you very much you guys, for making me feel so blessed to have you in my life. My dad did say that wealth is never in monetary value but in the number and quality of friends that surround you and hell, when that is being used as a basis for wealth .... I’m richer than Bill Gates!

I had a wonderful lunch celebration with my whole family (Leigh was not there but she did wake me up in the morning making my day start perfectly) and then I had a “surprise” dinner with my co-workers. Thanks you guys, for always trying to make me happy (and thanks for the cake too!).

A rundown of my year.

I have learned that people you thought we’re mature enough were actually those who displayed the most immature characteristics ever.
It is true, you will know who the person truly is by what they say and do when they are angry.
When you lose someone special, it is so difficult to move on because you feel that have given so much of your love and that you have emptied yourself, making you feel that you have no more love to give. On the contrary, the most wonderful realization is that, that emptying was actually giving way and room for a stronger and better kind of love. One with so much more understanding, respect and honesty.
Being optimistic. I never got to accomplish things when I worried a lot. The more I worked on my goals believing it can be done, the more I saw that these goals were realized.
Dwelling in grief takes so much of your time and energy. Give yourself time to be forlorn but stop before it rules your life.
I once again confirmed that friendship knows no boundaries.
When you do things because you are thinking for the best of other people, rather than of yourself, better results come out.
We will get hurt, we will be disappointed, we will be judged and we will be given reasons to hate others ... but love anyway.
Profession-wise, I can’t complain, it’s been a wonderful ride this year.
Health-wise – still working on it but getting there. Humanda kayo! hahaha

So there. It’s been a good year and I’m happy to say that I have a great life! I can’t complain! Thanks to all of you! Oh, I did say I accepted my age this time. I know how old I am; I checked my birth certificate, authenticated and confirmed it. But the next time you ask me, I’ll answer that I’m 29 this year and the next year and the years to come. Hahaha.

Realization

2007-10-14T11:17:00.000-07:00

In life we wander, we search for a so called specific piece of art that we can call in our very own eyes, a masterpiece. In life's attempt to find such a treasure, we sometimes get clouded by the thought that we have actually stumbled upon the most priceless piece of art that we put it on a pedestal and stare at it, we tell friends about it and take its imperfections and cracks as part of its beauty. Then one day, the earth shakes and the pedestal wobbles and you try to save this so called piece by holding to it so tightly that after some time of holding on it, you start to question yourself if spending all this time for this piece is worth it. Weary of holding on, you begin to see those cracks in a new light and you start to look closer and beneath those cracks you see the “unintelligible truth behind the intelligible lie.” The piece of art never asked for your admiration in the first place, so why stand and protect it? You would see that the piece of art was nothing but ordinary and you have spent so much of your time on it figuring out what made it beautiful only to realize that it was beautiful because you wanted to believe it was so in the first place.

Isn’t this how we perceive people and relationships sometimes? We sometimes think that we have found someone really important in our lives, someone worth spending our time with and spending all our love and adoration upon. But then, as time progress, we begin to realize that it was only us who have been giving so much of ourselves towards someone and that this person never longed for our love in the first place. Sometimes too, it’s so hard to let go because we have given so much of ourselves that we are petrified at the thought that we might have emptied ourselves already to this person and that we have nothing left in us to move on and give to another. Can unconditional love actually take place? We’re humans; we love because we want to be loved in return. What fuels our love is the love of another. Certainly, we know that we cannot force another heart to love us back. We cannot teach the heart who to be enamoured with, it has to act on its own will. If we can dictate another heart to love us, the thought of longing and finding it loses its meaning doesn’t it?

It is never time wasted however; not everybody is given the chance even for a brief moment to feel the joy of finding, giving and loving so much. We can only hope that perhaps, maybe in time, that someone can realize that we were willing to understand and to accept him/her despite whatever his/her past was or despite all the imperfections and that if he/she was willing to give back a little of that love back then, we can never think of them as ordinary but always beautiful and perfect in every way even after we let go of them.

Mi paradoja última

2007-09-17T23:28:00.000-07:00

Que pasa cuando la venera de felicidad sea la venera dela tristeza tambien? Conoci alguien que por los meses pasado he sido la venera de mi felicidad. Pero siempre discutimos, y cada vez que esa pasa, el dolor es intolerable. Quizás, es porque estoy mas enamorada en esta relacion y tengo mas miedo de perderle que el miedo que el tiene en sea perdido me.

Quizás tambien, es poque cuando empezemos, hemos colocado lindes y hemos puesto reglas. Aún antes conocimos, esas reglas fueron ya implementado. Que mundo cruel no? Y ahora, nadie de nosotros puede decir al otro lo que sentimos entre nosotros. Al fin, el unico que podemos hacer es estar celoso, reacciona o se retira.

en nuestro último argumento, dije que es difícil de mover en sin él y me dijo que él puede vivir sin mi, aunque sentía que he dicho eso para fastidiarme para que no sentire ninggun remordimiento al fin del todo.

Ahora, hemos terminado todos y le extraño tanto. Extrañole no será tan doloroso si solamente supe que él es también miserable sin mí. Acaba de sentir que él he a sido el karma para todo el bueno que he hecho en mi vida y el karma para todas las cosas malas que hice. Mi paradoja última.

I ask not for perfection

2007-06-30T23:14:00.000-07:00

Nobody is perfect. That is a line I constantly hear and I do take heart of such a statement. When I describe someone or something as perfect, it does not mean that a person or an object has no flaws whatsoever, but it means that I have seen all that I needed to see, including the tolerable imperfections that makes that person uniquely beautiful. It means, I have accepted this person’s idiosyncrasies.

Oftentimes, I would look at a piece of artwork, a painting for example and would see that in the colors and brush strokes that the artist used, one stroke was inconsistent with the rest or one color was used that when an non-art-lover’s eye would look at it, he would say “it’s off” but to one who appreciates art and it’s beauty, those little inconsistencies makes the artwork “perfect.”

If everything in my life were perfect, it would be such a drag. If everything were too easy, it would be too boring. Easy is boring, you have nothing to look forward to, no light at the end of the tunnel to appreciate.

The people I call my good friends, I call each of them perfect, perfect in their own way. It means, I have accepted them to be part of my life, the whole package, so to speak. I don’t demand much from them, only accept what they have to give, I am just lucky that they have given me much, more than I would ask for. Hey, they have accepted me for who I am, flaws and all, who am I to ask for more?

I’d like to share with you one of my favorite poems by Roy Croft.

Love

I love you
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.

I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;

I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can't help
Dimly seeing there,

And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple.

Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good.
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.

You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.

You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
After all.

Today, I am Thankful

2007-06-19T06:17:00.000-07:00

Today, I am thankful. I am thankful that despite the many things I have to do and amidst the hustle and bustle of life, God sends me angels to help me keep my sanity and make me thankful for this life. I have my family who loves me and would just call in the middle of the day to ask how I’m doing, friends who would send over food or coffee, friends that would call or would pop-up to PM me talk a while to tell me how much I’m missed and a friend that would text throughout the day to check if I’m still alive or at least exchange a few texts about what’s going on, just simple messages but it means a lot to me. These people might not have realized it, but they give me hope and the inspiration to enjoy life and not take it for granted and to value each moment of it, as for every moment in my day, they are a part of me, in my mind and in my heart.

They might not read this too but the world has to know that I am happy because of them. Thank you!

Just let me love you.

2007-06-12T05:20:00.000-07:00

Stop asking me questions when you know the obvious answer.

Only ask me when you are ready to accept what I have to say.

Don’t ask me why I do the things I do for you. I'm tired of explaining.

Don’t ask what I want in return. I really don’t need much.

Just let me think of you and wish that you’re fine.

Just let me say to you that "I wish you all the best of luck."

Just let me pray for you at night.

Just let me dream of you even when you are dreaming of another.

Just let me wish happiness for you, even it means happiness with someone else.

Just let me love you.

That’s all I ask.

Transcending to the Metaphysical?

2007-05-19T07:33:00.000-07:00

The past weeks have covered mainly conversations (and emotions) of about falling in love, letting go and falling in love again. Ah, what a blissful feeling it is to be at this state. This state can also bring a person to “a divine release of the soul from the yoke of custom and convention” which basically means, it can transform you into a nut-case and say the weirdest things you have never thought you can actually say. Love has driven poets to write the most wonderful verses, artists to express on canvass the most passionate strokes and use of wonderful juxtaposing colors, of singers heart fully singing the most enchanting ballads and of dancers dancing the most seductive steps; all just leaving you breathless of the passion presented wrought by their emotions.

“Amour Platonicien,” or "love according to Plato" has been studied by the great minds for many generations. Plato had the most wonderful ways of discussing this topic (This is different from what we commonly know as “Platonic love”). I am no expert in this Philosophical matter, but I sure as hell have gone through the various stages of this subject at hand.

“Love is our search for our alter ego, that part of us that will make us whole again” (sniff .. whole but not reciprocated ... emo-sawi blues tana-na-na-nan... this is the point where I said “I was missing something I didn’t know”). Plato states that “Love is desire for the perpetual possession of the good.” which means, it is not only the desire of being complete that makes it love, but the desire to attain goodness because of such completion (“You make me want to be a better man.”)

So, as humans, desire is the first thing to consider (hmm...is this the stage we are at now?). Plato did say that in this quest of attaining goodness through another, we start in admiring physical beauty at first (remember that picture of that traffic baiter we saw in friendster? Bwahahaha) but this sensation, if truly love is at hand, moves up to the awakening to loving the soul of the other (huh? and I thought only ugly people said that) and then attempting and preserving in knowing more (knowledge) to maintain this love and then perpetual possession of the good can be attained (I’m not so sure with my understanding of the fourth stage which is knowledge...anyway). With this in mind, it means that when we truly love another, even if physically that someone is not there, we still love that person. (Ha! I just did this, just gone through this really). Thus, we transcend the metaphysical.

So there, the different phases of love encountered by every person. Plato, in his study, leans more on the “intellectual” and “rational” point of understanding the subject but it does make sense. This is why, us, intellectual women, find it very hard to find someone and find it even more difficult to let go (pwera lang sa mga stalkers diyan). But, even when it’s all over and you have moved on, you will know that it was truly love when you can say “It’s okay, I became a better person because of that relationship and it’s time to move on.”

Ah basta ... sarap ng feeling ma in-love. Period.

Please naman, don’t buzz!

2007-05-16T06:09:00.000-07:00

Por dios, por santo! Estoy cansada (I’m tired) of people trying to get my attention in yahoo by buzzing first and then saying what they want to say to me. That buzz option? I consider that like a car’s horn. You only use if it’s necessary. You don’t drive around honking your horn don’t you? (well… unless you just really want the attention or literally in a hurry to go to the loo).

I understand you want a reply immediately, but please, just a little respect, be un poquito (a little) courteous by starting the chat with an “hola,” (hello) or “que tal?” (how are you?) or even “che!” (hey!) and don’t buzz immediately and expect me to answer you “enseguida” (in an instant).

Solamente eso .. .nada mas (that’s all, nothing else). Hehe…

P.S. There are some people however that I have given special authority to buzz me. Hehe.. you know who you are. *wink wink*

Being the only child at home

2007-05-11T09:21:00.000-07:00

Well, we all know how it is to be a Filipina, single and living in a smaller city. The rule of “you can’t leave the house till you are married.” still applies no matter how old you are. And out of respect (and stinginess coz I’m saving up for something else), I’d stay home and be with my parents too so I can help out with things they need around the house.

Anyway, now I know how it feels to be the only child at home. I’ve gotten past the middle child syndrome stage in my life wherein I always felt that my parents loved my elder sister more because she’s the eldest, my brother because he’s the only son and my younger sister because she’s the youngest. Oftentimes, growing up, I always got taunted as having the title of “special” child. Not that its bad coz admittedly, I do get autistic, especially when I start working and not paying any attention to my surroundings and anything else in the world.

Since Leigh left for Cebu, I’ve had my parents visiting me in my room almost every night. Bringing something to eat or drink (skyflakes, can of soda, hot tea, pakwan, chocolate, grapes, strawberry and pancit…. Trying to give an excuse here just in case you see me one day, fatter than ever), sit on my bed, ask me how my day was or just ask about the movie or show I’m currently watching on TV. Since Leigh is not around to sit with dad for breakfast, my dad wakes me up early in the morning (even though I was working till 3 AM) to ask me to join him for breakfast (and I sometimes get this feeling of wanting to stick the fork into my eyes just so I can keep them open).

It’s a good feeling to get attention and all but oddly enough, scary too. I mean, I’m not used to this. I know my parents love me (for being so special..hwehehe) and all that but I pretty much grew up doing things I wanted to do alone and not being asked questions as to what I’m doing and how I’m going to do it. My room is my sanctuary with books stacked on my bedside waiting to be read, my dvds scattered near my TV and my abubuts displayed all over. Now, my mom walks in, starts to look at my stuff and starts arranging them or asking me what I should sell for a garage sale coz I have way too many stuff in my room. I know her intentions are good, but what about my organized mess?

My mom now goes to my room at 2AM now just to see what I’m doing (she never did that for the looooongest time). She’d then sit on my bed and ask how business is going and if I’m using the beauty soap she gave me (“Mom, I’ve been using it, but how come I still don’t look like the model on the box?”) and often times ask me some of my most dreaded questions and sometimes, it’s just too difficult to answer.

What are the perks of being the only child at home?

1. I get to hear them say how much they love me more often now.

2. Dad asks me to have coffee with him at the mall and just sit and relax.

3. Mom now picks my favorite fruits and food when she does the groceries and of course:

4. She asks me if I would want to go shopping with her and get a new skirt or blouse.

There. I’m still trying to adjust to my “new life.” This is going to take some getting used to but I’m happy that I get to spend time with them in their “golden” years. So, time to stop this blog and be the one to visit their room now and spoil their “telenovela” time by asking my questions this time. Haha.

Goodnight, sleep tight and sweet dreams people.

Quiero entender te

2007-04-24T09:36:00.000-07:00

Quiero entender te
Pero no puedo hacer lo
Te pregunto
Pero me digas que "solo es nada"
"Deci me," te lo ruego
Solo me dice que "mi dia fue mal"
Entonces, quiero abrazarte
Nada mas
Para decir te que estoy aqui

Fear Trumps Optimism

2007-04-23T05:32:00.000-07:00

As what Master Yoda would say "Feaaaar is of the Darkside." It truly is. When you start fearing things, you begin to lose hope, all senses and passion to live life to the fullest. I am an Optimist. I don’t think I would have gotten this far or be at this age if I weren’t (“I’m sure I can ride this motorbike, if I fall, what’s a few scratches? At least I can say I learned how to ride the bike” ...."oh my God! my face!"). I have this tendency to accept challenges because I am optimistic, and I always believe “that it can be done or accomplished. “ I despise hearing the words “it can’t be done” when all probable options and realistic visioning is not made first. I shun these kind of statements.

But fear, it creeps up to you, especially when you allow it and when you do, it becomes dangerous. I guess, at the early stages of me fearing something, I try to snap out of it by talking about it with someone and wait for that someone to help me get back to my senses and for once, by allowing someone to tell me what to do (even took a couple of friends to literally hit me on the head to remind me of things). But for me to listen, it has to take someone I truly admire and respect I guess. Noemi does a good job at it, diba Noems? I just hate it when she starts planting things into my head and says … “honey’s silence? Priceless… for everything else, there’s Mastercard.”

I am a happy person, I can’t let fear dictate my life as I know there are so many thing to do, places to go to and people to pester with my innate abilities of being “makulit” until their ear aches with all the things I have to say. Anyway, in the overall analysis of things (analyst eh), I can surmise that love trumps fear. Because with love, you allow yourself to step back and see the benefits for the other person and not just your own welfare and you begin to comprehend more.

And thus, the greatest of all is still Love.

Going … Going …. Gone

2007-04-23T05:31:00.000-07:00

So, this is what they mean by tumultuous emotions. Recently, there has been an exodus of friends and loved ones for me. I woke up this morning with a very heavy heart as I heard Leigh making a racket, packing her stuff for her long stint in Cebu. It’s the start for her. She goes to Cebu for a year and will then proceed for residency in another place.

A good friend of mine (B), also visited me at the office last week and told me she would be leaving for the states and might be staying for a longer period. Oh great, and she was supposed to be in my speed dial and a confidant as well. Leigh and B are my sushi buddies. The only people I can call on to have good Japanese food.

Then a few nights ago, while I was with the kookiks, Z said she might be leaving for Hawaii soon and take her exams there and that would be her jumping point in proceeding to mainland US.

Richard, well, I talk to him on the phone but, it’s not always. He’s in the States now. Ping, too, although we seldom saw each other here in Cagayan, was someone who knew me well, is in another place too. As I always say, It's always best when it's you that's leaving for another place rather than be left by others. Of course, I'm happy that they are on their way of expanding their horizons. They just have to communicate with me or else, they'll never hear the end of it. lol.

Hmmm…. Dead silence. That’s what I hear now. I don’t easily trust people. I don’t tell people stuff. I think I even scared an online buddy because I was a bit “incoherent” the past few days as I was thinking a lot about not having these people around me, or at least close to me when ever I need them. My comfort zone. I have one after all.

So, I guess, I might as well get married….. NOT!

What I Got for Christmas ….

2007-04-23T05:30:00.000-07:00

It’s the 25^th of December. People are still asleep after a very long night of Midnight mass, Noche Buena, wine drinking and gift opening. I enjoyed the gifts that I got … I got a new Ipod Nano (8 gig), another gave me an ipod video (really, I’m going to make a list so that no two persons will give me the same gift next year), a Samsung 20” dynaflat tv, a Samsung k5 mp3 player (really people..enough!), and a brand new Toyota Rav 4 with a pretty red ribbon on top of the hood…… Then I woke up ….. Seriously though, I got a lot of interesting stuff this year. People really know what I LIKE. From yummy goodies to eat to some interesting items. I got a couple of bags (just the right size for all my everyday stuff), a travel blanket, pillows (thank you! I needed new ones), socks (I always like getting socks), a brand new heavy duty stapler (hahaha… they also know I love office supplies), a new bottle of Estee Lauder perfume, stuff for the shower (they also know I love to stay in the shower long….. hmmmm….), a pair of Etienne Aigner corporate shoes (it arrived just in time for Christmas…thanks Richard!), a genuine leather wallet, a nice scented candle, and food…did I mention that I got a lot of yummy goodies? and a lot of other stuff.

When I was a kid, I always looked forward to the day after Christmas, because it meant that I will be able to play with all the wonderful toys I got from “Santa”. The gifts I remember the most would be the pink life size doll (my size of course when I was 5…if it were my size at this age then it would have scared the beejeezers out of the kid receiving the doll), an alarm clock that had different alarm tones (hmm…. This just shows that as a kid, I was already very particular about time) and of course, one of my most favorite gifts …. My shiny red bike with training wheels. Of course, the best part of getting that bike was that it was my dad who taught me how to ride the bike and it was my brother who taught me how to play stunts with it and fall off it.

This time, all grown up, I still look forward to the day after Christmas eve because it means that I get to stay in bed and sleep the whole day if I want or watch TV and eat my Chinese ham sandwich with edam cheese and diet coke (the irony of it all….diet coke after gorging on all that food). I’ve been watching “Prison Break, Season I,” the whole day with a bag of Holy Kettle Corn (yum….my new addiction! As what a friend said, everybody has got to have their own choice of poison ….for me, this time, its popcorn). Of course, what I like about the day after Christmas eve is I get more time with the family.

Anyway, I’m off to watch more Prison Break Episodes, everybody’s still asleep. Hehe… Merry Christmas!

Can You Feel the Thumpa-Thumpa?

2007-04-23T05:28:00.001-07:00

December 9, 2006

So, I went out last night to celebrate my birthday at Fu with Noemi, Binky, Leigh and Jun. As we enjoyed our drinks and as we were feeling the thumpa-thumpa beat of the music, I had this wishful thinking that in the middle of the song, Zoia and Richard (Wearing his Seven Jeans and Prada Jacket) would walk in the door, smiling and all ready to PARTY!!!

Binky had to request this song that they claim to be my “Clubbing” theme. Darn it, you girls really think it’s my scene huh? It could be, especially after getting Noemi’s gift. Hahaha! That in one hand and a bottle of Evian, it might work Noems …. It just might work alright *wink*.

Thanks girls for making my night and thanks to all my friends and family who took the time to greet, text, email and call.

Pre-brithday blog

2007-04-23T05:27:00.000-07:00

I’ve been asked by some friends to write my blogs in English or Spanish ONLY. Sorry that I have some one liners you can’t understand, buy hey, sometimes, It’s best to convey feelings and thoughts in our language. Besides, I do give you the translation when we chat or talk right?

Anyway, I’m home before 9:00 P.M. which is pretty much a miracle for my parents, it’s like an answered prayer for them. For the past nights, I’ve been home early. Both of them have been sick with flu. Dad, almost got to the brink of pneumonia and so extra care is given to him. Mom followed suite after a couple of days. They are both better now but I think this year, I’m not having the birthday dinner with the whole family, rose is at her retreat and the kids can’t come here at home because we don’t want them to catch the virus. This is going to be the second time to happen. First was when I was out of the country, tomorrow will be the second time. This sucks. So my most fervent prayer now is their complete healing. Like I have always told my friends, I’m not a saint and I’m damn sure I’m a sinner but I know that the most heartfelt prayers are answered.

Mom called me to their room to give me my gift and asked me what my age will be tomorrow … I said 29 and she gave me that “Then why aren’t you married yet?” look. I looked back at her and just shrugged my shoulder and gave her a half a smile. She then said something before I left their room that made me laugh. Call it mother’s intuition. I laughed because she was right. She has this fear of me being lonely in the end. I do care for someone, just that the probability of being with that someone at this point is nil. My long time realization is, being with someone who cannot love me back or being in a relationship wherein i cannot give back the love is far lonelier than being alone. Anyway, like a fool, I feel like I’m consciously banging my head on the wall because I still talk to that person. Oh, you are asking me who this is? Despite my busy schedule? Honey has friends from other places. Honey knows people. Honey met people from other places years ago and honey has a lot of friends right now too…right? Honey ….. has a world of her own (eyng? Autistic? haha).

Born on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. Is that supposed to be a sign?

A Night at the Bates Motel

2007-04-23T05:26:00.000-07:00

October 23, 2006 2:00 AM.

If these walls could talk …. I’d be conversing with them coz I’m really freaking bored out of my mind! I am now booked at a quaint, rustic, heck….. old apartelle here in Manila. I’ve called all the hotels and they are all fully booked because of this Asean activity going on. Anyway, I came back after dinner with a friend, earlier than expected and so now I’m all alone in this huge aparatelle that has a living room, a kitchen and a bedroom. It’s all too quiet, I mean don’t get me wrong, I do like my quiet times but not like this!!!!

The toilet and bath is so creepy. It looks like a murder scene that has been cleaned up yet the presence of the one that was killed still lingers and I’m even too scared to open the shower for fear that blood might come out of it instead of water (it just looks so…so antiquated!) I’ve actually covered the mirror facing my bed with a blanket from the other bed (which dropped off from the mirror to the floor much to my surprise so I squealed a little…”eek”).

So, this is what I did the whole time I’ve been here. I’ve been pacing around the place, been channel surfing and been scared out of my wits. Hehe…imagination can get the best of me really. Since I hate being alone in a new place that is so dim (they have very little lights here in this bedroom), I transferred the two lamps from the living room and plugged it in here……all better … the room is much brighter. I called Binky with the hopes that she’s here in Manila, I called Ate Minnie and did a bit of telebabad and I even texted an old flame just to keep me company (at least basin diay I get invited to go out nalang man sad … pero wala … naa na diay siya date for the night …. Kill me now!!!!). Now there seems to be a 24 hour construction in the next lot and I can see the people working on top of their platforms and ledges…. I’m thinking …..“Should I make a scene here by the window and see if they will actually fall off?”

I fell asleep earlier than the usual with the EWTN channel on (hehehe….EWTN para wala moo2) …and then I just woke up coz I thought I heard the faint sound of someone crying ….. it turned out …..EWTN was playing an Ave Maria song in a soprano voice….hehe….

Oh well… back to bed …. I have to force myself to sleep. Tomorrow, I’m heading to powerbooks and get some pasalubongs ….

DECEMBER 1, 2006

I look into the window of my mind
Reflections of the fears I know I've left behind
I step out of the ordinary
I can feel my soul ascending
I'm on my way
Can't stop me now
And you can do the same

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
It's never too late to try
What have you done today to make you feel proud?
You could be so many people
If you make that break for freedom
What have you done today to make you feel proud?

Still so many answers I don't know
Realise that to question is how we grow
So I step out of the ordinary
I can feel my soul ascending
I'm on my way
Can't stop me now
And you can do the same

We need a change
Do it today
I can feel my spirit rising
We need a change
So do it today
'Cause I can see a clear horizon

What have you done today to make you feel proud?
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?
'Cause you could be so many people
if you make that break for freedom
So what have you done today to make you feel proud?

PROUD BY HEATHER SMALL

A Case of Inferiority Complex or Just Plain and Simple Lack of Respect?

2007-04-23T05:24:00.000-07:00

Psych 101: "an inferiority complex is a cluster of repressed fears to which the sufferer will overcompensate with a superiority complex."

The most frustrating example of inferiority complex is when a person deceitfully acts really nice to people who are at par with them, those who have a higher rank or those who they want to "like" them. Regrettably, the ones they want to project this image to tend to be blinded by the "nice guy/gal" form (Usual victims are those who don't have the slightest intuitive repulsion when they first meet the person due to a temporary blindness….meaning, they refuse the commands sent by their “intuition” to them). When in the presence of someone superior or someone they like, they talk as if they are the constant underdog, the one who never benefits out of any relationship (whether personal or professional). Usually, they diss their previous partner or boss, twist stories to make sure that the person they are talking to gets the picture that he/she was the one who suffered in the previous relationship; they try to get pity from the other person.

On the other hand, these are also the people who tend to brag too much, hoping that the things they say will compensate and cover up for their insecurities. Such insecurities will start to manifest as signs of jealousy in relationships and anger towards people who are of equal rank (but are slowly increasing in rank or is getting more of the limelight). When their position is threatened, they tend to talk more against the other person (the one they are unconsciously competing with). One of the most dreaded manifestation of this is when they start displaying this compensatory behavior wherein they start treating their subordinate as if he/she is a piece of $ # ! ^.

I don’t mind people who brag, for as long as they can live up to what they say (and at least, bagay sad unta ang pag kinapayas….diba naay cute na kapayason? hehe). I know I started this blog with a psychological point of view but, when it comes to treating a person badly, there is absolutely no excuse. Psychological disorder or not, I would certainly gauge a person’s character by the way they treat their subordinates and peers. As what William Lyon Phelps once said, "This is the final test of a gentleman: his respect for those who can be of no possible service to him." And oh, speaking of over compensating…. remember this scene from Shrek when he was talking about Farquaad’s “Short Man Syndrome?”

SHREK: So... that must be Lord Farquaad's castle.

DONKEY: Uh-huh, that's the place.

SHREK: Do ya think maybe he's compensating for something?

Hehe…..Adios people! Have a good weekend!

thoughts at 12:45 AM

2007-04-23T05:22:00.000-07:00

People ask me how I find time to write blogs. Hmmm….. it’s actually written in the most unholy hours of 12:00-3:00 in the morning, when my brain is still thinking of so many things……. of unaccomplished tasks, of knowing that I’ve once again didn’t have the courage to say the things I needed to say, of regretting things, of expecting too much yet getting so little, of soul-searching and yet not finding. Why force myself to sleep at 3? Afraid naman…. Gawas naman ang mga moo-moo ana na oras…hehe

I can’t sleep again. Ate A, you didn’t make me feel bad, I have my own struggles too. Rest assured that you were in no way contributing to anything that was going in my mind at that time. As what I have realized in the previous weeks … I have once again lost my will to paint. For those who really know me, they know what I’m trying to say here. I thought I got my groove back… pero no, I really thought I have ….. nah, never mind.

Haven’t heard anything from Richard and Bambi. Magparamdam naman kayo! Zoia is leaving for Cebu, sniff … but now I have the perfect excuse to go there … *wink wink* Haha…..pa praning lang kang Em-em. Haha….

Goodnight…. Alas, time to read ….. it’s now a choice of Victor Hugo, Virgil or Paulo Coelho … Be reminded of heartaches, Be adventurous or Find hope

Ya se acabo las lagrimas

2007-04-23T05:21:00.001-07:00

Qué haces cuando no hay más lágrimas para llorar. ¿Cuándo clamas a la cabeza de tus pulmones y nadie te oye? Qué haces cuándo noches insomnes parecen que nunca terminara, cuando en la oscuridad y en la soledad, todo que oyes es su propio respiracion, recordandote que estás vivo pero no estas viviendo.

¿Qué puedes hacer, cuando tienes tanto amor para dar pero el uno que quieres a darlo no quiere recibirlo? ¿Cómo paras tus propias emociones de traicionarte?

Sigues viviendo, vivir una mentira hasta lo te mata.

When You Got The Weight of the World on Your Shoulders …..

2007-04-23T05:19:00.000-07:00

…..remember the people who matter most to you and everything will be better. Another wonderful time was spent with my friends last night, a much needed time with the kookiks coven (a coven of HBs and CHBs … hahaha). I was feeling a bit down the past few days. I guess I was tired, I needed rest (but couldn’t coz my freaking insomnia is back….can’t sleep till 3 in the morning and it seemed that I always had something to do, work to finish). It’s a good thing that some people stay up late as well so I get to chat with them. So, Is it the weather? Things seem pretty gloomy don’t you think? I don’t know if it’s just me or if the whole city is plagued with dementors.

I had a good time eating pizza and tacos with the girls (and B, can only nibble on some, sorry binks…been there, done that twice, not going back, but you look great…absolutely great). What I love about this bunch is that we all think alike. Each of us practically finishes each other’s sentences and just laugh our heads off with just the slightest action. It’s like our worlds were made to meet 18 years ago (18 na ba?), each with her own unique talents and abilities but all having the same sarcasm, cynicism, tenacity and humor. I Love them all, I don’t think I get to tell them that often, considering how busy I sometimes (sometimes or oftentimes?) get. This is my way of letting each and everyone of them know how much they mean to me.

Oh, we called up Richard last night too, we’re all happy to hear his voice and hear about his “pagrampa sa New York”.

*streeeetch* lunch break almost over….. gotta get back to work now. Ciao!

If cannibals ate me………..

2007-04-23T05:12:00.000-07:00

....they would end up with really high cholesterol levels. Bwahaha…. Hey, this is my personal blog so I write whatever I want to write. I’m about to start writing my professional blog, topics which are related to my profession, as per request of my highly respected adviser in the IT industry. However, it will have to be in another “blog” site as my seriousness, professionally speaking, will not in any way jive with my lunacy here.

Seems like everyone’s busy with things. I can’t even remember the last time I played badminton with the girls. When was it tita Z? I’d also like to start playing golf again. I’m probably going to the driving range tomorrow or next weekend to see if my left shoulder will be able to stand the “test.” This is really one thing I keep procrastinating on, I keep on telling myself that I should start playing again since Lorie, my golfing buddy is back in Cagayan de Oro from the States. What I really like about playing golf with her is that when she picks me up at 5 in the morning for a game, she always, without fail, has this nice cup of hot coffee ready for me and I’d sip and finish it right before we get to the golf course. Thoughtful eh? (No tita Z … don’t be jealous)

Speaking of Coffee, the best drink that man has ever discovered, have you guys ever tried café batido? Try this, put a teaspoon of instant coffee and a teaspoon of sugar in a cup, sprinkle a bit of water and then start beating it (gasp! You coffee beater you, you oughta be reported to the Department of Coffee Welfare) …anyway, to continue …. Whip it, whip it good (*wink wink*) till it becomes frothy and then add hot water. It tastes good. You’d never think that instant coffee could taste better.

Anyway, highway (for the lack of a better rhyme), this week was hell week for me as I had to juggle preparations for the MICT Congress, check on the website updates, work on proposals and designs and at the same time communicate with clients. It was well worth it though, I met a lot of people (some of them gorgeous … you know who you are), new friends (again….*wink wink*), old friends and a cousin who I’ve not seen for the longest time.

So that’s it … that’s my blog for this week. Hasta la bye bye ……

Updates ....

2007-04-23T05:11:00.000-07:00

REVIEW

It’s almost the anniversary of my “bike” accident. *(&%^#&^! I still have that freaking scar on my knee. I just can’t go the highly recommended dermatologist/specialist for the mere idea that my internal medicine doctor is her sister and they share the clinic space (hadlok kasab-an kay nanambok man….hahaha). Wow, how fast the year went by. I can’t believe it, but a lot of my goals were realized one way or another. Not bad. So far, so good.

FAMILY

I guess it’s clear to all that are close to me that my motivation and my reason for working so hard is my family. No, not for selfish gain (that only comes in second…bwahahaha), but for the people I made promises to. I promised my parents I’d make sure I’d do well so I can help out my younger sister eventually in her dreams. I promised them that they won’t have to worry about me as I will try my best to fend for myself (of course, still living in my parent’s place is another story… haha). I can’t keep my word if I’m worried about other things. Panot (Leigh) is halfway done…. So I’m praying and so hard for her now.

I got a new niece! Carmi had her Christening last Sunday. She looked sooooo cute in her little white Christening dress and as always Ate Micah was right beside her mommy and Carmi wherever they went. Ate Roselynne and Ate Moina has been a great help in taking turns in taking care of baby Carmi as well. The family is so blessed with little angels. Nina (almost 2) is already very talkative, Kitkat (4) is so excited to go to school and little Kara Daniella (1) is such a smiling and happy baby (miski gamay pa ngipon). I love them all to bits! They fill our home with laughter and love.

HEALTH

Lately, I realized that I’m not in the top condition as I should be. I’ve been ill several times, minor, but had a catastrophic effect on my schedule. God has his ways of telling me to cool down and think for a while. I’m going back to taking care of my health, that’s one thing I’m going to do now and of course enjoy the benefits that would come along with it *wink wink.*

FRIENDS

I miss Richard a.k.a. Charding and It’s been sometime since I last saw tita Z, tita B and Big N (according to tita R). Good thing Tita Z arranged for all of us to meet this Friday. Can’t wait to see them and laugh my head off again. Looking forward to that.

Hasta la promixima blog. I’m having dinner at Ate Minnie and Kuya Ray’s house tonight (the perks of being a younger sibling). Adios!

Translation

2007-04-23T05:10:00.000-07:00

Shalum posted a comment asking for the translation of the poem I last posted... Here's the best I can do to translate it ... I hope I give it justice:

It would have been better if i have not spoken to you
If i have not let my defenses down
I met you at a time when I was searching for peace within me;
When I thought that I could never find someone who could love things the same way I do
View beauty the way I see it
Love and rebel against life like I do

The day you gave you me that gaze, you have left me enchanted and trapped
You left me asking if you felt the same way too
But in time, I realized that it was only I who felt that way
That I never even mattered in your life
That I was just another friend, another person, another soul
That It was only I who saw the jewel in you

Though people tell me that you are different
That you can never give love back
I understand you just the same;
I still want to understand you;
I still want to do things that will make you happy
I would rather see you smiling than forlorn
And I will stay here, loving you in silence

una poema

2007-04-23T05:07:00.000-07:00

Era mejor si no he hablado contigo;

Si no he permitido a mi mismo de bajar mis defensas

Te conocí caundo estaba buscando paz adentro de mi,

Cuando pensé que nunca encontraré alguien que puede amar cosas en la misma manera que yo,

Ver belleza como lo veo;

Amar y rebelarse la vida como yo queiro.

El dia que me hube dado esa mirada, me has atrapado en una encanta

Que me hes dejado preguntando si habias sentido el mismo sentimiento

En poco tiempo, he realizado que era solamente yo que lo he sentido eso

Que nunca tenia ni un poco significación en tu vida.

Que yo sola era otra amiga, sola otra persona, sola otra alma

Que era solamente yo que discubrió la joya en ti

Aunque la gente me dice que eres distinto

Que no sabes devolver amor

Te entiendo todavia….

Todavia queiro entenderte

Todavia queiro hacer cosas que te haga feliz

Mas vale que te veo sonriente que triste

Y estaré aqui amando te en silencio

Apriendendo de Seguir en La Vida Y Amando Mas El Amistad

2007-04-22T22:25:00.000-07:00

Before parting ways, a good friend *ahem* gave me a book with these words written “Se necesita solo un minuto para que te fijes en alguien, una hora para que te guste, un día para quererlo, pero se necesita toda una vida para que lo puedas olvidar. Hasta Luego” It sounds absolutely enchanting in Spanish. Translated, it means, “It takes only a minute to be attracted to someone, an hour for you to like that person, a day for you to love that person, but it would take a lifetime to forget that someone. Till we meet again” Putting it in a cynical way “First impression, not much emotions running, then after talking you start to like the person (hmmm, he’s actually interesting after all), spend a day with that person, you’ll start to love that person (acquired taste) and that one day will take a lifetime to forget coz you actually liked spending time with that person.” Kidding aside though, it’s actually taking a lifetime for me to forget that friend, not that I have unfinished business *cough* *cough* with that friend. Seriously however, we still communicate and we’re still really good friends. We update each other on the latest events like how he spent his birthday, how I ended up in a bike *snicker* accident, how he got promoted, how my last business trip went and how *gulp*…… he proposed to his girlfriend (Action: Stabbing the chest with a knife, ripping the heart out and as if still beating, displaying it at the palm of the hand.)

But hey! I’m fine … oh you know me, how my heart can be super resilient and all that. I’m miss super flexible and all remember? You know, the one who never gets hurt, the one who has no pent up emotions… no? Not working? Nada? I’m not convincing you? Well, okay. Anyway, honestly, we just moved on with our lives. Not that we talked about our time before, we never even got to talk about any feelings again. Besides, it’s been a long time before we got to communicate again after returning to our home countries. E-mail, text messaging nor MSN chat didn’t exist then (wait…that makes me sound so old). It was only recently that we started to exchange e-mails. Contrary to the saying that “Distance makes the heart grow fonder,” I guess, after a few years, we just understood that distance can make the heart forget as well. The beautiful thing is, he’s still my friend. He still laughs at my wisecracks and vice versa and we still love each other as really good friends. So now, we sometimes send a one line email just to say hi or put a status message on our “MSN” messenger that would make each of us smile. No, it’s no longer the “giggly” feeling when reading the messages, it’s more of the feeling of “comfort” that you got a good friend somewhere out there who thinks of making you happy once in a while. I love our friendship more now and that's one thing we plan to keep for a lifetime.

Oh, and the book that he gave me? I lost it. Haha!

TTFN

On being well grounded

2007-04-22T22:22:00.000-07:00

I have this thing about people changing their attitude because of sudden rise to fame or riches. There are some people I know who before were humble, meek and didn't care what other people would say. I really appreciated them then, they would just do what they do best and not wait for a pat on the back or a compliment since they know who they are and they are well grounded. Then, they achieve something and people recognize this achievement. All of a sudden, these neo achievers hunger for acknowledgement, they long for the spotlight, they want people to be obeisant towards them because they are "who they are" and they have "gone this far." They want people to look up to them and say praises. They then want to become at par with those who went ahead in terms of achievement and success. What's so funny is when "those who went ahead" don't recognize them, they become angry and arrogant. Alas, they want to be heard even when people don't even want to listen to them.

Pity. You then start seeing all their insecurities, the "dark side" working in them. Oh, you can't help but be impudent towards them. They become foolish and they start worrying what other people would say. When all the acknowledgement and praising dies down, they would feel that they are losing something...gasping, as if, the very air they breathe is thinning, their very life source being sucked by a dementor. The funniest thing about it is, when people start treating them differently because of their shift of attitude, they blame the people or they find fault in them.

There are also people I know who have actually succeeded and have maintained their sense of coolness and level headedness. They don’t even exude this sense of false humility when you praise them. They’d say “thank you” and in fact would say “They couldn’t have done it without help.” These are the people I really look up to, the people I truly respect.

Anyway, it’s just a thought. I hope you won’t get sucked into this black hole of ego-tripping. Last note, here’s something my dad would always tell us when we talk about our dreams and getting where we want to be….. “Always remember who you are and where you came from for the very people you meet in going up the ladder of success, will be the very same people you will see again when you go down. “

Have a good day!

Things to Do Before I reach 30 and Year 2005 Summary

2007-04-22T22:20:00.000-07:00

Early last year, I updated my “Things to do before I reach 30” list. I first drafted this list when I was still in my senior year in high school (yeah, I can see you now, counting the number of years with your fingers. Word of advise, include your toes in the count, you are going to need it). I thought that having a list of dreams and ambitions can help me visualize better my goals in life. The items listed would range from super simple to almost impossible to achieve dreams. So far, of the original ten items, I was able to do one ten years ago and two just last year. The first one was to “Drive on a race track.” I got to do this in an Argentinean World Rally Race track when a friend lent me his souped-up car (I know, I know, I broke the “Rotex” rule of “No Driving,” but it was perfectly safe I tell you). Last year, I was able to “Sing on stage in front of people” and “Do something wickedly wild and freakishly adventurous.”

I’m still working on the number one item on the list and this is “Setup a business and succeed.” I’ve been working on this one for five years now. My greatest influence on this ambition are my parents. So far, every year, it’s been one step up in accomplishing this goal. I have to say, I’m very blessed to be surrounded by family, friends, a business partner and co-workers who are all too supportive of this dream or who have the same mindset as I do.

Every year too, things get better for me. Around second quarter of last year, I got to meet two new friends in Davao and have been closely communicating with them since. When things were getting to be too routinary for me, we moved to a new office and I got to meet new friends who added more reasons for me to look forward to the next working day.

My birthday last month was a blast! From 12 AM of December 8 to 12 midnight the next day, I received text greetings, emails and phone calls from friends and family. The text messages ranged from super funny (c/o Princess Zoia) to special (c/o *wink wink*…just kidding). Plus I had a party at the office, all well prepared and thought of by my friends at work. Every minute that day was super special for me. In addition to that, I now have a huge tarp hanging on my wall with a layout of my pictures (which I think looked more like an ad that says “before and after” wehehehe) and messages from special friends at the bottom.

So, going back to my list. Number 6 is “Reach my ideal weight.” (See, I told you the list ranged from super simple to almost impossible). However, let’s see if I do get to at least jumpstart this year by living a healthier lifestyle (yeah right, I just had pizza last night and ice cream the other night). Hopefully, if I do get to accomplish “Number 6,” I can then accomplish “number 11” which is “Go on an adventure climb with Leigh.” (Hopefully by that time, there are still mountains to climb and forests to trek).

The more complicated stuff on the list, I will no longer mention unless of course I want to end this blog as a “fantasy telenovela” that will surpass the likes of "Encantadia" (Sheda! Pashnea!) or end this blog as an episode of “Maala-ala mo kaya.” (sob..sniff) The point is, I look at this list all the time to remind me of all the wonderful experiences I’ve had through the years and inspire me to work for my dreams. Two years to go before I reach thirty. I don’t think I could accomplish all in so little time but hey, it’s worth trying!